Fuck's sake!
I had such plans, such dreams, such visions of the amazing volumes of work I was gonna churn out this summer. Did you know that i'm related to William Thackaray? Yeah not by blood! By marriage! Thats why he writes Vanity fair in two weeks and it takes me a summer to fart a book review for the school paper, half a poem and a first draft of a short story. What is wrong with me? I was gonna write a fucking novel or something and instead I ended up spending four months of my life on dad's computer watching very heavily pixilated episodes of father ted on you tube.
On the plus side, there's the fanzine! Fuck now that's something I've put some effort into! I may never have children and in 50 years leave all my worldly possesions to a tattered old copy of 'scollops and bollocks' I hope people like it, I know I'm not supposed to care or be all spiritual or something and 'we are worms we could all die at any minute bla bla' but I hope someone gets something out of what i write like I got something out of Lucy Sweet's work. I still haven't got the guts to tell her she's my favorite hero so I just stole this from her blog instead.
ONE: Five Places you Have Lived
1) 13 Cyril Street: I lived in two houses during my childhood before settling into this one for almost 15 years but I hardly remember living in them let alone the address. We had some odd neibours like Sue and Columbus (I know! and I grew up thinking it was a normal name and the explorer was named after him) They had a son who I used to play with,he was alittl older than me so naturally I was very enamoured with him, he was the Aladin to my princess Jasmine, this makes little sense in the context that he would grow up to be a paedophile who the police removed from their house for having child porn on his computer.
2) 8 Darby road: This was the first proper house my dad lived in after my parents split up and it was all about the animals if I remember. I had a hamster with the personality of Cinque from Armistad 'give us us free!'. He had such will to better itself and be more than a hamster in a cage that he kept escaping from his cage and trying to fend for himself, once he lived behind the bathtub like a wild mouse for three weeks and my dad found it blue nosed and half suffocated in the draw we kept the bin bags in. Then he broke his leg trying to escape another time and had to have it chopped off. My dad missed a very important lecture if i remember rightly waiting at the vets with my hamster. The third time he escaped the lodger's cat got him poor bastard, he probably would have had a happy ending if we had lived in the country rather than a peg leg.
3)8 Watkin Terrace: My dad got dinky flat off one of his rich student friends and has lived there ever since. It became very multicultural over the past five years with it's polish food sections and Indian bakeries with jilebes in the window. Which is just what you want when you were a quiet teenage shut away who wanted nothing more than for brooklyn to sprout up from betwen the cracks of the pavement and save her from boredom as her home town collapsed into an unrecognisable melting pot of crime, prostitution and low rent so she could walk around pretending she lived in a Spike Lee film. Y'know, teenagers are selfish like that.
4) Orchard House: This is where my mum, stepdad and sister moved about three years ago to, I only lived there properly for a year and a half while I finished my a-levels before buggering off to the states a few weeks shy of nineteen to start smoking, lose my virginity and get offered my first writing job.It was this detatched 70s looking house that wouldn't look out of place as a bachelor house in the sunday times or Dirk Diggler's shag pad. It's on the poshest street in Northampton so it's full of racist golfers (it's unpc to talk about the darkies these days so now everything is those damn Poles fault!), Horses, Porshes, borderline alcoholics and eccentric self made millionaires who spend all their time playing with their remote controlled helecopters and 1/4 scale railways that go through their mansions.
5) 484 North street: My mum wouldn't let me live on my own in New York so when I finished my A-levels my Aunt invited me to go live with her in Connecticut, it's was my first proper grown up homewhere I had to pay rent and do my own food shopping. I worked several different jobs while I lived there, as a nanny, in a cafe and I only lasted one weekend at this horrible pancake house because it was so fast and confusing so I just stood there all day trying to look busy by wiping the maple syrup off the spout of the used syrup dispensers, this didn't fool the boss who gave me eighty dollars and wished me luck (silly woman, no way did I talk to enough customers to earn all those tips!)
TWO
What were you doing 10 years ago?
Trying to stare my boobs into growing hating all the girls at school with tits, wanting a boyfriend and hating all the girls on telly who had one, being a runner up in a girl talk magazine competition and winning a jewel hair mermaid barbie, Writing silly poems about my pet mice.
THREE
Name 5 things on your to-do list today
1. Sew the buttons back on my dress
2. Write some quizzes for my stepdad
3. Go to a seminar at 5pm
4. Go to punksoc, get someone to buy me a beer
5. Give my boyfriend a kiss
FOUR
What snacks do you like to eat?
Snuff, ginger snaps, cake, cake, any kind of cake, actually yeah just cake.
FIVE
If you were a billionaire...
What is it with all these 'if you were rich' questions? Is money all you selfish bastards can think of? I tell you what I'd do, I'd get some huge slaggy silicone tits like Lolo Ferrari and pay two short rugby players to walk in front of me all day carrying them above their heads as I kicked the homeless with my pearl encrusted jimmy choos.
